Although it’s way less taboo to talk about sex these days, it’s still a topic that some people might not feel comfortable openly discussing — let alone asking questions about.
But here’s the thing: It’s completely normal to be curious about exploring different areas of sex — or sex education. Maybe you’re wondering why your sex drive is low or how you can go about introducing a new kink into the bedroom, but you’re not sure who to turn to with those questions, and you’re over googling them.
Note: Some responses and questions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
1. “I’m a 31-year-old woman who has never had sex. I had some health issues in my college years, so I feel like I missed the period when many of my peers were having sex for the first time. I have friends and, I would say, an average social life, but I don’t date much and haven’t been interested in anyone romantically for a long time. I would like to find a partner, but the more time passes, the more concerned I am that admitting my inexperience sexually to any prospective partner would be embarrassing. If I do start seeing someone, is it OK *not* to tell them the truth or to embellish a little?”
—Anonymous
Jenni Skyler: I think it’s worth mentioning that having wild sexual explorations in college years is a social narrative that need not fit for everyone. If we obligate ourselves to fit into a substandard narrative, then we aren’t living our most authentic lives.
As for your limited experience, this is totally OK and more common than you may think. We all have different experiences on different timelines. You had health issues that changed the trajectory of your sexual exploration. Again, this is OK. If a prospective date or partner doesn’t have compassion for this, then they aren’t worth dating.
Even if you didn’t have health issues but simply made a choice to abstain, that’s also OK and, again, should be respected by a prospective date. My advice is to slow down and access your higher self, where courage and confidence live. This way, you can date and explore sex at your pace in a fun and pleasurable manner.
2. “As a trans male, how I can feel more masculine in bed? I feel like not having a penis makes it much harder for me to dominate.”
—Anonymous
Dulcinea Alex Pitagora: The first step is realizing that sexuality, eroticism, masculinity, and dominance all start in the brain, not in the bedroom — or wherever you like having sex. Masculinity has very little to do with whether you have a penis or not. Many very feminine people have penises, for example.
We’re all socialized to equate masculinity with dominance and to think of those constructs in a very rigidly defined way, but masculinity is expressed in a wide range of ways — as is dominance — so you really get to decide who you are and how you want to express yourself. The next thing to understand is that if you’re into being dominant, you’ll need a partner who inspires your dominance, is into being submissive, and is into being submissive to you.
3. “Is it wrong for me to get turned on by occasionally being ‘used for my body’ by my husband? There have been occasions when I’ve woken up to him groping me (or, once, masturbating), thinking I’m still asleep.”
“After it happened, because he’s an honest guy, he would actually be transparent about it the next morning, and in order not to discourage him from doing it again, I told him, ‘If I consent to it while I’m awake, you can do it to me while I’m asleep,’ but he hasn’t done it since — and I’m actually disappointed. He doesn’t know I was awake for parts of it. Is this wrong? Is there a deeper, darker meaning to my desires? I would be upset about anyone taking advantage of an unconscious person under any other circumstance. But if this is a normal, healthy fetish, are there better ways to communicate this to my husband without embarrassing either of us?
